


Coda for Hell's Angel

by Ennaejj



Series: The End is Everything [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coda, End!verse, Endverse!Castiel, Episode Tag, Episode: s05e04 The End, Episode: s11e18 Hell's Angel, Hell's Angel, Lucifer!Castiel, M/M, The End, bottom!Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-03
Updated: 2016-05-03
Packaged: 2018-06-06 04:39:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6738532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ennaejj/pseuds/Ennaejj
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coda for 11x18.   Dean's trip to 2014 in 5x04 still haunts him to this day.  There he was able to touch Cas like he's always wanted. But the jaunt also made him realize he is the only person who could ever truly destroy Castiel.  </p><p>Is it possible he's is also the only person who could save him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coda for Hell's Angel

**Author's Note:**

> This could be considered a sequel to All You Have to Do is Ask (http://archiveofourown.org/works/4706006) , but you do not have to read it to understand this coda. All you need to know is that Dean was intimate with EndVerse!Cas during 5x03, and during that exchange he found out that the reason Cas was so damaged and drug addled was because EndVerse!Dean broke his heart.

The holy fire had burned hotter than Dean remembered. Which was fitting. What better way to counter the cold, slow-seeping poison that was Lucifer?

Now--sitting on his bed in the bunker, with the lights out and the pipes well into their nightly symphony of bangs and taps--Dean wished the fire had been able to burn away his fear. Or maybe burn out his feelings. One of the two.

Why hadn't he been able to do more than call for Cas? He'd thought--

  _I always come when you call_.

\--He'd thought it would be enough. Castiel. Cas. _Cas_.

But it wasn't. And when Amara had shown up, he knew he had to do more. The words had been right there on the tip of his tongue, all of the _I need yous_ and _I want yous_ and the _please come back to mes_.

But in the end all he'd been able to do was croak out one last, "Cas," leaving everything else unsaid. Still.

If he couldn't say it now--in desperation, when it could make a difference--when could he say it?

Never, of course.

Which had been his plan, up until Cas had gone and gotten himself infected with the angelic version of mega-tapeworm.

He'd promised himself that he would never, ever, as long as he lived, say such damning things to Castiel. There was a reason his stares lingered, but his hands didn't. A reason that every time Cas apologized or reached for him, Dean cut him off or pulled away.

And it wasn't his pride he was worried about, or what Sam would think, or that Cas would ultimately reject him.

The latter, at least, he knew would never happen. He'd known for years. All Dean needed to give Cas was one soft kiss and a handful of promises and Castiel would be his to do with as he pleased. His to hold, to keep, to touch, to fuck, to...

To break.

In another time, another life, he'd learned that Cas would shatter under his touch.

Dean ran his hands over his eyes, remembering everything about that jaunt into the future. How it had smelled of old sweat and gun powder and pot and absinthe. How everything had been too hot and too cold and too wet and too dry.

How Cas had begged him, fucking _begged him_ to pray even though he couldn't hear prayers anymore--

 _Pray to me and ask for it_. _Ask me to make you feel good. I want to make you feel good_.

\--How Cas had moaned his name.

How Cas' mouth had tasted of anise and fennel.

How Cas' skin had been hot beneath his fingers, against his body.

How Cas had straddled him, sinking down slowly onto his--

Dean stopped himself, taking deep, shuddering breaths. He'd relived that moment many times, cherishing it despite the pain it brought, because he knew it was all he'd ever get. He'd promised himself he would never lay a hand on the real thing, on _his_ Cas, because as much as he loved the memory of being inside that 2014, hippiefied shell of an angel, he never wanted to see him again.

And Dean knew if he ever told Cas how he felt--if in a moment of weakness he gave in and let them have what they both wanted--a visit from the ghost of camp Chitaqua would be inevitable.

Dean would ruin Castiel. No doubt.

It didn't matter if that 2014 hadn't been real--if maybe it was some hallucination Zachariah cooked up--because life kept sending Dean signals. Kept reminding him to stay away.

_"--The very touch of you corrupts--"_

_"--You see, he has this weakness--"_

_"--Then you'd kill the angel, Castiel._ _Now that one, that I suspect would hurt something awful--"_

Dean didn't even have to be cursed to hurt Cas. Just determined.

But now... Now Cas was trapped, in pain probably, and in need of a reason to fight. And if there was one thing he'd fight for, it was Dean.

Dean had tried so hard to protect Cas. To keep him at arm's length, where it was safe.

"You can't stay." Those words hard hurt his jaw, made him sick to his stomach, but he'd thought they were necessary, to keep the two people he cared about safe. _You can't stay. You can't stay with me_.

But then it had been Dean who couldn't stay away. He hadn't know what the right thing to do then was, and he didn't know now.

And what's a human supposed to do when they're lost and need direction?

Shrugging to himself, sniffling and curling his fingers into the sheets, Dean bowed his head in the dark. "Hey Cas," he whispered. "If you could hear me in Purgatory with your mojo all whacked out, you can hear me now. I'm guessing the dirt-bag devil is listening in too, but whatever.

"There are things I've never had the guts to say to you, and I kinda think you know why. That doesn't... I'm not making excuses. Because I know you want to hear me say this shit. I know you want it. I want it. I want..."

He fell silent, straining his ears, listening for signs of movement in the bunker. Sam should be out cold, and Dean could barely hear himself, but still, the idea of being caught gave him pause.

"I want you, Cas. With me, all the time. I need it. You have no idea how bad I need you. You make me stronger, Cas. And kinder. You keep me grounded. Keep me _human_ when I'm right there on the edge, slipping towards monster. And I want to tell you to expel Lucifer for me, so that I can have you back. So that I can keep you near me. In the bunker, in...in my bed, even--if you...if you want that.

"But I have no right to ask you to do it for me. I get that. I donno why you said yes to the big D, but I do know it has nothing to do with me. So... kick the sonofabitch out for you, Cas, okay? You don't need him. You're more of a badass than he'll ever be. We don't need him, alright? I don't know where Amara took you, but if it's just Lucifer she wants, expel him and get the hell away from her. If she threatens you, tell her--"

Would this make it worse? Would this put Cas in more danger, or save him?

"Tell her that if she wants me, she has to keep you safe. I'm not...we're gonna gank her, Cas, okay? But she needs to believe that I'll... Look, just tell her that I'll be with her if she spares you. Because you and Sammy are _all_ I care about, and you know when the chips are down that's the god's honest truth. Even though God's got nothing to do with it.

"We're coming for you Cas, I promise. And if you feel about me the way I feel about you, please, hold on. I... I want to be good to you. I want to be good enough for you. I want to stop hurting you. Please come back to me so I can prove it to you. Please, Cas. Please."


End file.
